I slip from one identity to the other all the time. I have so many personalities to fit so many situations, people and belief systems. The only realness I can sense right now is I am life. I was born, given a name, had experiences and am still here. The identity I feel safest in is that I am life. I have to eat and that keeps my identity going and my brain and thoughts going. If I believe I am Neil who was abused and has a job and responsibilities that I don't care for then I feel…
I continue to believe that I am not worthy of love, acceptance or care. I continue to believe more in the negative aspects of my personality rather than the amazingly gifted being I am because of my heart and open mind. I continue to believe in conditional love so that I can feel righteous and powerful when my ego feels afraid, weak and vulnerable. Everything I do against myself is something I have been taught, or something I have witnessed people I love and who professed love to me enact…
I am present. I am life. I am more than I can imagine myself to be. I am.
Guides that have assisted my growth:
Builders of the Adytum
Janae and Barry Weinhold: Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap and The Flight From Intimacy
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman
Beyond Betrayal by Richard Gartner
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
Delivered from Distraction by Ratey and Hallowell
The Ultimate Medicine: …
Rising from sleep I feel the fear. I always feel it when I’m awake. It has been my lifelong companion, the one I know the best, the north star. I would like to find a new way to navigate-in fact, I tattooed my foot with the words ‘you are here’ like you see on a map that tells you how to orient yourself in a strange unknown place. I look at it fondly and…
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